Selected from the 1,000,003 songs in the 2002 Melodifestivalen group stages, quarters, semis and ultimate final, the three lovely ladies in shredded silver thought themselves un-topple-able on their way to the Tallinian podium with the disco-tastic Never Let It Go.

Armed with a very strong uptempo song and dressed as Destiny's Childs' grandmothers, Blossom and Co were doing great guns until they actually walked out on stage to perform.

It didn't matter though, as the way the middle one sang "We'll be shakin', SHAKIN'!!!" with such obvious gusto meant Glade were instantly on the phone asking her to front the next Shake 'n' Vac ad campaign.

Once the Lithuanians had concluded their national final requirements, the group B'avarija were all set to scoot over the border to Tallinn as the nation's 2002 ESC representatives in Tallinn with the early 90s-ish anthem We All, and perhaps even stand a chance of scooting back over on May 26 with the trophy.

However, as we all know, We All had already been released in 2001 in the native tongue on the group's last studio album, so enter Aivaras, Lithuania's Song for Europe runner-up and his actually-quite-good-if-soppy lovesong Happy You.

Luck was certainly shining on the bearded, beatnikky one. Getting into the contest by the back door and singing in the last slot on stage - what could possibly go wrong?

Well, perhaps it was the charred haggis he wore on his head for the performance, the jumpers he and his backing singers wore which looked as though they came from the home knitwear stall run by the irritable veggie at Glastonbury, the step aerobics dance routine and Aivaras' weak vocal showing which planted him firmly into second-last position.

As we said, sometimes you can only ride that wave of good fortune for so long. Shame, as it's a good song.

Singing had become one of the most popular pastimes in Albania by 2004, just behind begging and pickpocketing, so Al and Dr decided to put the country forward for that year's Eurovision.

They had a cracking start at the Istanbul patient that very year, with an up-tempo song about mental illness. The contest doesn't look to be heading for the Albanian capital just yet, but the government are preparing for every eventuality, and have had five tents sewn together and put somewhere safe in the town hall.

For just three minutes in 1997, Europe got a shufty at what a Polish folk club looks like; lots of fellas with long hair shaking about enthusiastically, an extremely mysterious-looking blonde doing the singing etc. etc. If it wasn't for the up-to-six-people-only on stage rule, then we'd have seen yet another faction of the Polish folk scene: lots of men in berets with goatee beards, all sat round one table and making a half pint of bitter last all night. Wooh, they're so beatnik-y.

Probably the only singer at ESC 2003 to realise how spectacularly unimportant the entire event is, and should be treated as such, the Austrian god was rightly rewarded for his efforts.

Sixth place was Austria's highest in 14 years and all it took was a man who looked like he needed a wee throughout his performance with a pair of cardboard cut-outs behind him.

Oh, hang on, the woman in the red boa did actually move about a bit there...
Note: If anybody knows which area of Austria camels are indigenous to, please contact the present author.

The singer, Selma, was worried that any mischief she may have got up to in a former life would catch up with her onstage in the holy city of Jerusalem, and so ordered her dancers to wear raincoats in case a plague of frogs should shower down on them during their performance. Hey yeah, hey yeah, oh yeah...

She somehow persuaded ABBA's String Arranger to lead the orchestra (probably paying him with large sacks of potatoes), but it wasn't until after her performance of Prima Donna that an RTE technician tactfully explained to her that the 1897 Eurovision Song Contest was going on somewhere down the road, and she must have lost her way in her excitement.

It's 1993, it's Norway, it's the last song on stage, and on comes pop-tot Silje Vige to bring proceedings to an end with the somnambulist Alle Mine Tankar (All My Thoughts).

The band strikes up, and instantly you're sent to sleep by an almost inaudible, slightly dull verse, which certainly isn't going anywhere.

Cut to the crowd as the chorus (eventually) arrives and we can clearly see Silje's immediate family start clapping in time with the micro-chanteuse.

The song ends, the crowd at the Green Glens Arena almost lift the roof off and Norway finish fifth.

Why? And why isn't the fact she is a petrol distribution magnate mentioned anywhere in the lyrics, either?

This Celto-fado looked and sounded promising after its performance on the night, but only the French seemed to get the point (shame). Still, all was not lost for Alma Lusa. A Hollywood producer, who just happened to tune in that night, was so impressed with Jose Cid's bowlhead haircut, that he was instantly signed up for the lucrative Portuguese remake of Dumb and Dumber.

This unbelievably bouncy contest-rounder-upperer had the usually dour Edinburgh crowd clapping their bits off during the performance - unless they thought the Festival had started early and this was alternative Dutch comedy, but it finished a creditable fourth anyway.

Andres' pork chop sideburns went on to star in a meat marketing campaign, whereas Sandra would return to the contest under numerous names and hairstyles; Sandra Reemer in 1976, lead singer of Xandra in 1979 and Johnny Logan in both 1980 and 1987.
Note: Nah-na-na-na-nannah-na-na... that's all yu-kka-doo.

They got Kate Gulbrandsen to dress in white and sing an ethnic ballad. Why hadn't anyone ever thought of doing that before? The song, of course, translates as 'Dance of the Elves', and pity the now redundant, slightly dyslexic, manager of NRK's wardrobe department who was set to send the backing singers out in rhinestone-bedecked white leather jumpsuits, massive greased quiffs and curled lips for the national final performance.

Her foul mouth and frankly filthy behaviour proved too much even for the early exponents of rap culture, and in a 1988 interview, the one who wore the big Adidas trainers in the Walk This Way video said: "Do you know, I was most affronted by Ms Zola's behaviour.
"She ingratiated herself in our social circle and kept trying to make us find rhymes for rude words such as 'motherfucker', 'cocksucker' and 'espadrille' which certainly made me blush, I can tell you.
"In the end, we tricked her into getting on a plane for Switzerland by saying there was a national Alpen shortage and all her family were dying of starvation."

Not to be outdone by this fiendish trickery, Arlette took her self-penned tune Fuck Off, Motherfucker and directly translated it into French, the end result being Amour on T'aime, which finished third in that year's Harrogate-held Eurovision Song Contest.

Despite its size, the Andorrans have yet to proceed to the Eurovision final proper, but remain undeterred. Their plan for 2008 is for the delegation to murder all but nine of the semi-final entrants in rehearsal week, thus ensuring them a direct route to the Saturday night show. Perhaps they'll murder them with doors.

Now, not only can you enjoy the bit-dull Icelandic rumblings of a song called Brita, but also a more brightly polished one by the name of Angel.

The Queen of Hearts is advised to make the most of these jokers for as long as possible, as any interest the public may have in the song has a strict Best Before date of 12/05/01 (20:15hrs).

Judging by the slightly manic look on her face as she performed The Image of You on stage of Istanbul, if I made her feel "a little crazy", I can imagine waking up the next morning beneath the supporting pillar of a new motorway.

Unfortunately, there the comparison to Ms Ross ends. Anna Karine Strom has never been arrested at Heathrow airport for attacking a security guard, is not idolised by Michael Jackson and his chimp, and has never wondered why fools fall in love. On the other hand, she has come last at the Eurovision Song Contest on two separate occasions, causing something of a chain reaction for Norway's subsequent musical fortunes.

The song Antique took to the Parken - Die For You - finished third, proving to be Greece's most successful placing ever. Helped in no short measure by the fact that Antique are her-yowge in Scandinavia, plus the big butch lady on backing vocals had promised to come round to some countries and 'have a word', if the votes didn't start going their way.

The only tragedy now surrounding the I Will Survive-esque number falls upon the bouzouki player. A squat team of Danish welders are still trying to free him from the stool he was wedged into moments before the performance started, and so far they've only got one of his hips out.

The Allisons started well in the Cannes vote. Luxembourg (the eventual undeserving winners) gave them eight out of their ten votes, and it looked to be plain sailing. Unfortunately, the juries from France onwards had misheard the song's lyrics due to a technical fault. They believed that the brothers were warbling "Are You Insured? You'll be sorry." and so rushed off to check their policies, telling the jury spokesperson to just go for the song that was on before the UK.

"Are You Sure?" the collective spokespeople asked, but by then it was too late...

Nobody had ever got through the semi-final from first slot in the draw, and fellow newbies Andorra and Belarus had never squeezed through to the final despite a two-year head start. Clearly, all it took to curry the voters' favour was to strap their singer into one of those hammocks you see on Channel 5 after 11pm and sing something unremarkable. In 2008, the Armenians plan to send Cher, wearing thumbscrews and a peep-hole bra.

So instead of floaty dresses and ethnic instruments, we got a punk band claiming that they wanted to "bring you up", resulting in hundreds of orphans from across Europe calling the band's management with their choice of bedroom wallpaper.

Once they saw the wide-eyed kiddywinks who needed their help, Athena's anarchistic hearts melted, and sent them all to Sertab Erener's house while they prepared for their next tour. Rock.